


Unfiltered

by panlesters



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst? A little, Anxiety, Gen, Therapy, dan's depression video, it's not that good but w/e, ive had this idea for a rly long time and i finally got it out, mentions of depression and anxiety, tHIS IS SO SHORT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 15:18:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18501652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/panlesters/pseuds/panlesters
Summary: "Start with the unfiltered version," his therapist had told him. "Write it all out, as if no one else will ever see it, and then work your way from there."It's a long process, getting everything together, readying himself to open up about depression, but he can take it in steps.





	Unfiltered

**Author's Note:**

> wow ok i've had this idea knocking around in my head for a little while. it kind of originated from the lyric "at best you'll find a little remedy, at worst the world will sing along" from to noise making (sing) by hozier but it kind of evolved into this and who am i to stop it 
> 
> anyways it's kind of a mess but here u go  
> enjoy!

"Start with the unfiltered version," his therapist had told him. "Write it all out, as if no one else will ever see it, and then work your way from there." 

Telling his therapist he wanted to open up online about depression is the first step. He's been thinking about it for a long time, and he's aware that half that time has been spent dwelling on the negative reaction he's sure he will receive. By the time he finally talks about it in therapy, he's stewed enough for it to become too big a deal to just film and upload a video. 

She always put things in perspective. Sometimes, Dan really needs someone to ask him questions about self care and how he's going to help himself. Sometimes, however, he just needs some common sense to drown out his anxiety. Could he really imagine his subscribers reacting negatively to something like this? And would the negative comments really outweigh the positive ones? Telling his therapist made him finally stop listening to his irrational brain and start seeing sense.

 

The next step is putting it in words. Five years ago, it would've been impossible for Dan to write about what he felt, but that was another thing therapy had helped with. Having to talk about depression was a really difficult step, but through years of needing to talk about things in order to help himself, he's learnt how to describe the way his depression makes him feel. Or not feel, he supposes. 

He starts writing his script in February. He does what his therapist suggests, writing as much as he possibly can, censoring nothing, even the worst of it. When he's finished, he goes back through and manages to cut out the worst of it and soften the other parts he doesn't really want to tell his viewers. When he's done he makes sure to run the script past Phil. 

Phil can sense Dan's nervous twitches as he reads over it. 

"What's bothering you?" 

Dan sighs, because of _course_ Phil can tell something's up. "Am I gonna lose viewers? Is it too personal?" 

"Why would you lose viewers?" Phil frowns, taking his eyes off the screen to look into Dan's worried ones. "You're underestimating how much people are going to need this video." 

"What d'you mean?" 

"Remember the meet and greets at Tatinof? We listened to hundreds of people tell us they were struggling with mental health. This video is gonna let people know they're not alone." 

Dan nods, feeling a renewed need to put the video out. He'd thought about helping struggling young people but his primary use for the video thus far had been to tell his own story. Now, the more he thinks about the stories of his viewers, he starts to understand how other people might find comfort in hearing his experience.

 

The day he posts it is the worst for anxiety. It's World Mental Health Day, and he's had it marked in his calendar since he started working on the video. It doesn't make it any easier, for sure. His hands shake as he opens Youtube. He makes more typos than usual and has to keep going back to rewrite the description. Part of him thinks he's stalling from posting it. He sits for a full five minutes with his mouse hovering over the upload button before Phil walks into his room to find him staring, almost zoned out, at his computer screen. 

"You gonna do it?" he asks softly. 

"Yeah," Dan whispers. "I just... need a couple of minutes." 

Phil rubs a comforting hand over Dan's shoulder before he leaves. When he comes back a few minutes later with two mugs of tea, Dan's watching the upload bar, trying to keep his breathing steady and think positive. He knows there's no real going back now.

 

The response hits Dan hard. The first comments he sees are those telling him they're proud of him for how far he's come, and for sharing his story. He doesn't feel the real pride and achievement until he sees a comment telling him that someone had been confused about what they were feeling and suddenly heard him put it into words. Other people tell him they're inspired and they're going to help themselves. Dan is almost in tears from reading people's responses. 

He's approached by Young Minds after that, asked if he would become an ambassador to encourage young people to talk about their mental health experiences and get help where they need to. 

He knows, really, that no one is ever going to look at him the same ever again. It might be new-found respect or it might be as if he's going to break. But another part of his soul is out on the internet, stripped bare to be consumed and picked apart. But maybe for once, Dan's really glad that's how it happened.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! a very short one this time  
> comments are appreciated, come scream at me @panlesters on tumblr


End file.
